BRANDED FOR LIFE

I thought I should blog today a little about why I am the way I am.....and I couldn't get past the first two words.Precisely recollecting those words I think they were: I am......and then there was a long akward silence in my mind after that.

Many of my friends love to hang out with me or they are great actors (if they genuinely dislike my company but constantly agree to hang out with me).They call me names behind my back (good and bad) but lately I am surprised people have been fairly courageous to say things on my face.Which is not bad at all, given the fact that I am a big propogator of frank attitudes.

Either ways ,it all started to stir in my mind with a comment that I have heard several times over the past month or so.......
"You are her mom!!!" they said.Yeah who doesn't want to have a kid but I wonder what does that imply in a world where every girl loves to be a hot babe in a DINK (double income/ no kids) kinda world.

Perhaps,I am overprotective of my friends.I cannot see them fall in a pit right in front of my eyes.Perhaps I am over altruistic.
I cannot help but help others?
I think that is my problem.I wonder what would happen if I were not so over protective.But then again I wonder what are friends for if they don't stop you before you trip and fall.I cannot be amongst those who laugh when a friend falls, or amongst those who say "Oh I could have helped you. You should have told me!"

I am just the way I am may be because I need to help others to affirm my existence.I need to be a mommy to attest my survival.
In school I was often ridiculed as the simple kid, In college the conservative,naive on-looker, After graduation I was termed the wanna - be and now I am mommy(I absolutely have been branded as the mom of lost kids on campus here), the only reason for this categorization because I cannot let new friends here feel alone,homesick, hungry and sad.Or is it because friends trust me and take me to be a good friend?
Several names but not one describes me rightly.Let alone justly.

A quick look at what the future holds for me.............I don't even wish to do that, for fear I'd see some other unjust categorization.I wonder why people get branded, I wonder why no one explains.I wonder if there is even a rationale to everything that everyone claims!

In the end I think it's better I stop wondering!

IN - DEPENDENCE

Often wondered whether the blue sky depends on the brown soil, down below
whether the human creed trusts their pals fellow....
I often hope I needn't want to care about anyone so much as you.
I often hope I would not be dependent on you.

For at times you are ruthless, you cut all strings attached,
Somehow most often we have arguments patched,
Little does it mean to you to slam your opinion on me,
Little do you care for what my tenets might be!!!!
I never ill - intend, but you insist I do,
I never am rude but you feel apologies are due.

I cherished every moment we have shared,
I shared every bit of detail
I promise I shouldn't have spared even a little bit
On my deepest sorrows , someone's joy isn't fit.

I wonder why you cannot fathom the truth.....
I wonder why sweet words wouldn't my heart soothe...
I wonder why you are walking far away..
I wonder if I was just another prey

Prey to end your boredom,
Prey to end the disasterous plight,
Pray wouldn't have to let go ever of my freedom
and in - dependence fight !!!!!!!

My best friend's wedding

My Best Friend's Wedding

Christmas had arrived finally.Significance? A day so many of us had been waiting for since so long.My best friend, her parents, her sister, her sister's daughter and myself and so many others who are unaccounted for here in my little virtual space of verbal expression.

My friend of so many years.Almost a decade that we know each other.I still remember the first day I met her.It was quite a wonderful day in mid-July and Fergusson College was as humungous as ever.We were lost in the throngs of new students.Met her in a history class.And the stupid question that I asked her...."Hey are you taking this class?" Some oversmart brat like me would have replied..... No, I am just wondering why the walls are so blue and that's why I am sitting in this class at 7:00 am ."

But polite and well mannered and patient as she is, she quipped a quick "yes".

Another hour later we were good friends.Of course as she always jokes.........I did the talking.Well don't call me talkative, that lady wasn't ready to say a word.What could I do?I was just amazed at her capability to stay mum on every which question I asked and yet she was able to answer exactly whatever I asked her in crisp short sentences.Often I'd begin a story and sit wondering what the purpose of telling her that anecdote was.

We went to college on her most prized possession(the equations have changed now I guess). Sunny must have lost the numero Uno now I think.Well her silver moped (Sunny).......Wonderful times.When that poor vehicle wouldn't budge uphill we would waddle like ducks and make it go just that little bit and manage somehow to reach where we wanted to.Good times , good times.

Those rides by the red, shabby buses in the city.

Only so that we didn't have to cycle all the way to college.

Those nights when I stayed over at her place and instead of cooking we would get Methi Matar malai and pineapple raitha parceled from a nearby restaurant and rather spend our time discussing important political issues, religious fanaticism(whether there existed any).Endless nights completing journals and eating Maggie and Icecream at 3 am in the morning as a treat!!!! after completion.

The times when You my dearest friend had to come home and wake me up for my own good.I owe it to you.Well there was this one time when my friend had to come to my place to wake me early morning since I wasn't ready yet and then also to hurry me up since the final exam that we were to take was going to begin in 15 minutes.Inspite of reaching late to college and going to the wrong exam hall I did manage to finish my exam on time and progressed to 12th grade.That wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you my friend.

Words won't be enough, pages will not suffice.

What remains in my heart are moments in paradise.

I miss you my friend.I missed you for long now.

I wish I could dictate and have fate bow.

Will things change? Will they be like before?

I wish the past did endure!

All the same I wish you luck in life,

You are about to enter a new spell as a 'Wife'

Old things got to move to let in the new

"promise me you'd never say Adieu!"

Back to my world.............. of solitude!!!!

A month long of fun en frolic came to an end.Work has mounted on the table.Dust sitting on the desk needs some attention.I need to get out of bed for once and wash the dishes in the sink.
Made warm soup today.It's being pretty terrible to have to do things on my own once again.

The trip to India was wonderful.Had a lot of questions on my mind about career, life , friendships, love and family in general ............... now I have another ton of those more.....

Two days into my routine and life is so different.Day begins with a warm cup of coffee , alone, staring at the blue sky in Normal and the day ends with the same old bread and pasta dinners that I had almost forgotten existed......

The last few weeks were solace....they were relaxation.

Computer needs a helping hand and I need to buy new books. A little homesick for now since I am missing the good time I had but on the other hand it's the only thing that will keep me going...The motivation for me to finish and get back to a life where I wouldn't miss anything, or anyone except my freedom...................