5 to go

I never imagined I would blog on this topic ....ever...
The feeling of going home.The feeling of going home after a year and a half.Too long for some, pretty early to go back for some but to me I think this is the time , the right time to go back.To see my own people, to meet those buddys from school, to rejoice in glory of the city streets and to relish reciepes devoured.
There are sort of really mixed feelings.On one hand is the joy of leaving for home while on the other it's the constant nagging thought that I would have to come back to this life pretty soon.
'My best friend's wedding!'.Another wonderful proposition.I cannot believe it.Just that it's going to be even more difficult not to think of my singlehood with twenty two aunties pouring over their extended offers for match making for instance...oh dear you have to meet this guy, he is in michigan and he is a doctor...and you know what he is also paints so well ( almost makes me think that buy one get one free). Well i say to myself then....If he is so good why don't you get him married to your own daughter?????????? Anyways the point is I wonder how much I will enjoy the various weddings I will attend because of this very reason.
Other than that I am longing to meet my parents, hug my sister and yes be with my Grandmas and talk to them for hours together about the big bad world seven seas afar...............
I am longing to drive my bike (yes it's not a moped, it's a geared bike!!!!!) and I am longing to eat a Dosa at Vaishali (the place where I spent my Fergusson days) and yes the most most important of all , I want to smell that smell of the streets, the raw scent of the dust in the air and the wild breeze.I want to haggle with a roadside vendor and rejoice in my victory.Foolish me, I want to eat on the streets and travel second class by train...I want the discomfort , I want the pain.
May be that is what I have been missing out on.That is precisely what you don't get here and are so used to.
I want to climb a hill (Illinois is just flat plains...........No i am not joking there is not a single hill here................just FLAT FLAT LAND) and yes I want to be ME. I just want to be me.Without the fear of someone judging me, without the roles to play and examples to set.Without being the boss and the employee, without being the student and on the indian student association committee.I just want to be me.
So here's a toast to my return and here's some hope that i get all i dream. Little did I know how the time flew by.Just five more days for me to fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wait .....will be over soon

A little patience is all we need,
A little patience to take the next breath,
A little more to think things straight,
And a wisp of perseverance to stick with our principles,
A little more of our patience goes to build something out of shackles.

A million questions on my mind, looking for answers sublime
Everyone seems to know whats the right thing to do
Everyone messes up inspite of that
Sometimes failures take us farther than accolades
Making something out of nothing is a disturbed state.

I tell you to wait a while , to think, to keep the hope
I know you are capable,I know very few others are
I know it will take forever but when you get it, You will win it all!
Easier said than done they say but I have had my shares of wait too
And tell you what one thing I have learnt is great dreams take time but they do come true.

And my heart melts...........

A Dad calling his baby daughter princess and fussing over her in excess,
Sweet lilting lullaby he sings to her while she is in distress, soothing voice calms her and peacefully she does recline,
Dads shoulder’s her bed and his love her true lifeline.

A wistful face and a weary hand, asking for alms begging for bread,
A shining dollar on that palm we have spared, nevertheless the fear we dread,
Never, Never should such life befall us, Never, Never should wealth betray us!

A small kid in a candy store, asking mom to buy some more,
a little piece of Twix, or another pack Hershey’s kisses
mischievous smile and sunny faces
Never does the kiddo give up, hoping till the eternity
Bill is ringed up and the transaction ends,
Mom finally has settled for a little treaty
One more chocolate only if the the kid behaves,
Extra homework and no TV he trades.

A beautiful misty evening I witness, rainbow over the horizon stretches
Far where the blues hug the fluffy whites,
Long walks on sandy beaches,
Or lush green woods on an enchanting island, a little sorrow and lots of love in heart
Forming memories that will never tear the soul apart.

Coming back home of a war soldier,
Safe and sound to his family’s honor
Pride and joy are no bound but apprehension stays when will it be time again??????
Goodbyes are hard but to enjoy freedom you have to bear the pain!

A loved one declaring how much he loves you,
Saying thousand things silently,
Telepathy when it works and other times when mistaken thoughts battle and clear the way
Let the person speak his mind and get away

Knowing exactly what you are going to do next, helping another to achieve the dreams he dreamt
Learning to live for what someone cares about this is the hardest thing ever without a doubt!

Broke but bliss in Boston and mystified by manhattan!

A small travelogue of my sojourn I write,
On this tuesday not so bright!
**************************************
19th Nov 2005
Cab comes in 10 mins early.....Now i was expecting it to come late.Anyways so off to the airport in Bloomington.
Wonderful flight delay.Why?
Pilot couldn't recieve any contact from the airport terminal and this he explained to the passengers.A good way to boost our morale and ask us to wait patiently.......
Landing at Chicago.
Caffeine at Starbucks.One good thing I love about Amrika....Starbucks......
And yes yet again this flight delayed too.
Didn't have anything to do.Called a friend.Got yelled at the next day.Forgot the time difference.Nevermind.Had a good chat with my sweet little sister across the seas and she didn't yell!That was fun.Made plans for next month.One month and I shall be home.Oh Home sweet home!
Met a lady in flight.An Indian physicist's wife.Was fun talking about 'mein Vaterland : Germany.'
12:30 pm ....Safe landing at Boston Logan International Airport.
Baggage not delayed, friend was on time at the airport to recieve me.
Fun time begins!
A few bus rides and train stops and then some more walking and we finally reached North Eastern University.
Met one of the most noble characters I've ever met in life.
A guitarist, a mechanical engineer, a volunteer for the science museum, an artist and yes my nick name for him....;Mean Mallu...Though there wasn't a mean bone in his body.
My friend's boyfriend is really a sweet guy.Good company with him and his roomies.Walked around Prudential Centre and the First Church.
Tried hard to shop at Dolce and Gabbana,H & M, and such like...... but couldn't spend a buck! Why? I don't know.
Evening met an old college friend who was a hilarious entertainer for the whole gang as usual.Calzone, Pizzas and Tiramisu at Bertucci (A recommendation for anyone who wants amazing food)
Good food ; truffles for desert and yes a good nights' sleep to end the day.
****************************************************
20th Nov 2005
Missed the bus.Friend sees the wrong schedule.So compensation.........cappucino at Starbucks.
Hmmmm now wide awake and waiting for the bus.Talking about love life and the topic never ends.
Reached no conclusions.Bus ride ends and we reach downtown Boston.
Went for dinner cum lunch (since it was already 4:30 pm). Again an Italian place.....Cafe Pompeii. One helluva romantic place.White furnishings and blue soothing lights.The night was chilly and the coats kept us warm but what really hightened some of our spirits were the Chocolate martinis.I didn't have any.Don't know why!
A drive over to Harvard University in Cambridge.'Ivy League' they call it and I think that's an understatement.Just the walls could inspire a dudd to study hard.BEAUTIFUL. is all I can sum it to be!
Because no words can measure what that one moment of bliss was!
Ride back home....ofcourse no buses or trains.A nice ride in a Camry.
My friend and I couldn't talk anymore so in no time....we were dozing off.
SONG OF THE DAY : Jaise tu by a pakistani pop group from the album Daira........melodious.
****************************************************
Last day in Boston
21 st Nov 2005
Boston Commons. Beautiful Monday morning.
Lunch at P.F.Changs.All for the great wall of chocolate.A delicious desert we get at P.F.Changs.
Yummy food coupled with peals of laughter.Good times.And then we had to run to South Station so I could catch atleast the three o clock bus to New York! ( Had already postponed my departure from 1 to 2 and then from 2 to 3 pm.)
Arrival in New York was very eventful.
Got out at Chrystie Street in China Town and had to find Port Authority.
To my luck a man gave me wrong directions.So off I went by the wrong train to downtown NYC.While purchasing a single ride ticket I had unwilling conversations with a bunch of kids who were trying to sell me some cigarettes.I don't know why!
Got out at 34th Street and asked a cop for directions and he told me something completely opposite of what that man had said.So for a moment i wanted to ask him...
" Hey are you kidding me?" anyways thought in the interest of the country's security I should believe the cop rather than the man and finally found my way.
Nevertheless had this episode with the cab i hired. Hmmmmm one dude from Pakistan.Trying to be extra friendly,Asking me to hang out with him sometime..."I'll take you around he said" I was baffled at his cheek.I hated every moment i was in that cab.So i just punched in the fare through the window and vanished into the crowds at Port authority bus terminal.
3 mintues left for the bus to depart and I still didn't have a ticket.
Ran to get the bus.As though it had been waiting only for me.Got a seat way back in the bus!
Approximately 9:30 pm ...Bus breaks down.
Viola!!!!!!!!!!! what more could go wrong?????? I was just laughing to my heart's content.
When in misery Smile. It makes you go that extra mile!
It took another half an hour for everyone to get transfered to another bus and finally make it to 76 Tappan House.
Goodness Garcious............Was i tired, or was I tired?
Had a simple meal of Dal , Chawal and enjoyed the last bits of MADAGASCAR, a laugh riot!
Slept........in the cold, cold confines of my quilt!
***********************************************
AND NOW THE FAMILY FUN BEGINS.
At the moment # of people in the house : 8
By the evening it will be :10
By tomorrow (expected arrivals) total # will be : 14
And Wednesday night will be Full House : 22 !!!!!!!!!!!

Thoughts

Myriad Colors hover in the air, it’s absolutely disastrous to cry ‘Unfair’
When desert sands whirl in a storm, hell breaks loose and
Fear stops every demand.

Thirty three thousand times I tell myself don’t hurt yourself ,
Never does heart learn from the past! New things keep interacting with the old,
Conversations thus turn even more bold

Today I swear I decided not to emote, Not to shed a tear , nor a sigh evoke,
I broke my promise I apologize to myself.I didn’t heed to my brain’s request.
Brain had told me to keep emotions aside, decide what was profitable and measure each stride

How things don’t matter when you cannot compromise on your principles,
Ethics and laws and all those complications.

I go through tough times , when I cannot decide,
Between the goods and bads and the ugly and the nice,
There is of course unwanted need of kindness that we need to suffice.
I go on helping thousands galore, forget what it is once to live for the self allure,
Love the neighbour more than one’s own kith and kin,
I sometimes feel ashamed of my unsjust sin!

I changed this policy from today on.
No more sadness and misery sharing would go on.
I want to stay as far from crowd as possible,
Being a stranger amongst friends is a mark indelible.

Decision tough to make and tougher to stand by,
Promises made to myself atleast this time I can’t deny
I will once again decide though….This I have never done before.
Then I go on thinking this were a new start,
Sporting spirit and will to achievement holds.
I start a fresh page in the book of rights,
I decipher what my friends hide.


Anger and sympathy we ask for often,
How about thinking and giving away some solution,
Love and luck are both important.
Life there on is contingent.

Leave me and let me breathe soft and low,
Let me stay lull in my own cocooned tow.

Till death do us apart

"I do" two powerful words I believe,
one starts to define oneself and in a moment you have given away all reprieve
when a woman says 'no' she means a yes,
'let me go means I need more caress!'

The man's 'not a problem' is 'duh yeah what do you expect now?'
'Thirty years with this woman has been like heaven' just reveals unknown definition of hell above?.
Working their way through such cryptic arts , these couples could have been detectives of all sorts.

Love one said was confusing enough to star in Matrix
Radically, practical , calculative and enticing.
Neo wouldn't know where to find Trinity
had he only searched deep within his heart till infinity!

I write on and on blabbered nonsense for some,
to others it is yet another lesson learnt.
to me it is history revisited
experiments done and advise heeded.

Help is on it's way they say.
Form and kind unknown today.
The one made for you may well show you the moon
Nevertheless in your own eyes don't let yourself become a cartoon!

Bemusings

Ever wondered what life could be living under the microscope.
Being watched for the first breath taken,condemned for the last one mistaken?

Ever wondered what it would be like to have candlelight dinners, every night under the startlit sky, have your loved one shower love on a teasing fight ?

Ever wondered how soon life can change ? A moment in the past and no sooner
are you spaced , the roles are cast the stage is set.

Ever wondered why people ask questions , they themselves don't know answers to.

Ever wondered why endless silences tell you more than a thousand words?
Sweet nothings imagined are rejoiced more than messages on bulletin boards.

Ever wondered why Fall steps in with colors and slowly lets the blithe walk away leaving just the white snow.
Never thought why a remark would hurt someone,just a glance or a stare create a spark unknown.

Ever wondered why we never stop and think? Ever wondered why we don't in movies blink?
Ever wondered why I wonder so much and you don't?It's not to late yet to wonder ever!!!!!!!!!!

THE RIFT

"Misunderstanding it is" she said, "you are so wrong."
"I don't agree" I say, "I am sure it's some other thing that had come along."

An assumption was made, a decision taken,
She refrained from further discussion.

"'Understanding' I said, I think is a two way process,
One alone has never had success."

When people put two and two together they often add another one unknowingly
And if they don't do so they surprisingly forget one of the two very willingly.

The effect remains.The sum is different from the parts and a rift is created.
'Gestalt' would be so disappointed for once the sum doesn't facilitate, it has us disappointed.

A little extra effort on your part and mine can go a long way.
Don't you think asking questions is better than leaving confusion abay?

Think once and let me know if you are one of those who has never miscommunicated,
never had a misunderstanding.
Seen the results, been through those times that are caused by misunderstandings that are unnerving!

I wish we all walk that extra mile and ensure that we never assume.
We clarify, we simplify and we would thus ban all misgivings that usually sublime!

The festival of lights....diwali

Diwali, it used to be the most awaited festival of the year , every year, year after year.
It was fun meeting the whole family.A total of 40 cousins, dozen aunts and uncles, couple of grannys and grandpas and yes of course tons of friends...............those from school, college and later even the university.

Spent say in all 23 Diwalis.Of which 5 I didn't pretty much remember anything from.The next 5 my only attraction in Diwali used to be new clothes, lots of fire crackers (which anyways i didn't get many since I was environment friendly and at the same time hell scared of noise of fire crackers right from the time i was a tiny tot!)

So of the 13 that remained, 3 we didn't celebrate in response to respect for deaths in my family.

Sad enough that 3 others, we were on vacation, in various parts of the country.Now considering the fact that only 7 others were left I think 2 of those I have been in USA....therefore haven't celebrated Diwali in the traditional Indian way.Just going to an Indian restaurant for Indian food is the kind of celebration we've had here.
Here we are just 5 Diwalis that I had spent in the traditional style with family and friends.I am sure of those I remember just 1 which was one and the only time 30 members of my family travelled to northern Maharashtra, Chandrapur and celebrated diwali together.That was an awesome fun time....................

I don't feel sad anymore that I am not with my family for Diwali this year because when I thought about all this and disected the facts right I realized that I haven't really celebrated Diwali much even when I was in India, with everyone due to one reason or the other.

Nevertheless the heart longs to return home and keeps complaining of having missed the festive times.But the brain holds it back, tells it to shut up and think. Heart dear can never think.What can I say if only we'd have just one of the two ...either the heart or the brain ...life wouldn't be so confusing.Whatsay????????

The Persuasion

Flirtingly he suggests,
Suprisingly she denies,
Innocently he continues,
Profusely she condemns,
Hurtingly he argues,
Rhetorically she replies,
Annoyingly he repeats,
Detesting she resists,
Irresponsibly he shouts,
Unknowingly she cries,
Aggravated he rejoices,
Assumingly she clarifies,
Demandingly he socializes,
Readily she compromises,
Lovingly he compliments,
Inadvertently she augments,
Caring is his intent,
Complaining she refutes,
Patiently he confesses,
Finally she agrees,

Endless peace seeps!

Just a Glimpse or two!

Just a glimpse over my shoulder ,
that's all I can afford I told her.
A beautiful fur pulled around her,
she seemed like no one had yet found her.

I waited long to meet her like now,
searching for a soul just don't know how.
Anyways there have been times when I have felt like she is the one
and then there are others when I feel I need no one.

Silken grace caressing her act
I lit up every time she tells even just a fact
the smile on her face and the twinkle in my eye,
a war of worlds I can't get by!

twenty times I tell myself not to resist,
Alone i tread the paths in mist
The mist of solitary minds and solitary heart
The mist of sadness that I'd love to part

Lovingly she makes a new start,
I gasp, I admire, I cannot my wishes thwart
I just take that glimpse and store it now
Store it forever in my heart to someday borrow

Pleasant is the day when she talked to me
Pleasant is the day when our eyes meet
Pleasant is the day when she treats me like someone special
Pleasant will be the day when I shall probably miss her

Alone I bet I don't want to not be around,
I dread the day when I'd miss her
Even then I avoid all of it,the involvement, the pain, the heartbreak and the smirk
Just a glimpse or two won't do it though, I got to do more to make myself a jerk

So I convince myself
and get more involved
Loving every reason that I've got
I still cherish every memory we make
I do love her ........ I won't fake.

"Finicky Fritters For Free !"

Fritters are accounts or excuses people give in order to get away with events where they fail to meet expectations. Below are some examples of Fritters that students come up with when they procrastinate. I found myself smiling when I came across these and suddenly I became nostalgic, thought about all the times when I gave accounts for not doing work. Or having postponed stuff.
Well I think you would also relate to a few of the things that I mention here.

Biological necessity: Hunger is an intrinsic drive. Often a good reason for not finishing the work is “An empty stomach cannot let a person think.”
Cleanliness in the forms of washing, showering are good reasons for not being able to complete the required work.
Fatigue: I’ll get up tomorrow when I’ll be fresh to work.
Rest-on-your-laurels-fritter where the person thinks that he or she has done it before and has been successful hence this time too everything will be just the same.
Commiseration fritter is a common fritter too. People often waste time in trying to get together information from other people and compare what the status of those people is. Whether they have progressed or are they also lagging.
Social Comparison If a student feels that he or she is way ahead of her competitors then the student feels relaxed and thinks that a break is well deserved and the student can stay off work while others work because the final outcome is going to be good (or that’s at least what the student thinks is going to happen)
Higher Good: This strategy suggests that to procrastinate work a person might say that studies are not everything. Values, moral development are also important. An example often quoted is “Even Einstein was not a good student sp failure does not mean that one can never be successful.”
Existential: Something like what-the hell-sort-of difference-will-it-make fritter
Task Based Fritters
Time symmetry fritter, when a person counts the total number of pages or thinks the total number of hours required for finishing a task and allocating each hour for a part of the task. At the same time say while a person is reading an article, the focus is on the number of pages
Scheduling Fritters, wherein the person decided to work at the hour. Like preference to work at 6:00pm rather than 5:40 pm or 6:05 pm.
Preparation related fritters, like the while – I – am- at –it. So like people like to first clean up their work area or such like and then begin work.
Creativity Fitters: The-first-step-is-hardest fritter. Here the initial part of an assigned job takes up most of the time under the pretext that a person requires ‘X’ amount of extra time to come up with novel ideas.

Thus there are many more of these kinds. However what I wish to point out is when you become conscious of all these varieties of fritters I am sure you will stop procrastinating right away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Four friends and Me

Four friends of mine thought they'd join me this month sometime on a weekend.I thought it was a good idea since we had not met up in a long time.Probably it had been long enough.We went to school together, studied in college together and after that had gone our own ways and had never met till date.Coincidently time has brought us back to the same country again.So although we were like miles away we thought why don't we meet at some place half way.
A good dinner together and an evening out on the streets of New york at night would be just so exciting.All of us agreed. Tickets were booked ,hotels were found and money matters were taken care of.

Swoosh we flew away to the Big Apple on a bright sunny friday.All of us reached on time to have the afternoon siesta together at the Waterfront.It was fun. Serene and totally exciting at the same time!

Now what the purpose of this whole account is the interesting conversation that ensued between us friends, the conclusions I drew from that short meeting and the surprises that dawned upon me.Though we grew up together it was fun to see our conversation take flips and turns acoording to what we had gone through in life.In short what was our cognition shaping in our personalities in general was quite intriguing to me.

Five people , totally unlike each other.
I would reagrd myself to be the confused category who is still exploring what life is,who is still defining the limits of curiousity,who is still fringing at the stinginess and the captivity of narrow minds and constantly testing time and freedom.

Now it is also important to know what the other people in this story are like

Nobody : who thinks that she is not alright and thinks that noone is alright either.A sorry case of hopelessness.Negative views about self, others and the future.I don't know what she has gone through or whether she has gone through any tough times at all but her basic philosophy in life is "I don't care about love because I am not nice and I am not beautiful and I am not clever either and I don't want anyone because there is no good person perfect for me either."
(The psychologist in me thought.......Well this is a case of massive depression or avoidant personality disorder or in short just lerned helplessness)

Somebody:who was a little someone in her own right.She was a graduate from a good school, had managed to get a high paid and lucrative career and also was looking for any opportunities whatsoever in politics.She also was very estatic that she had the world's best (henpecked) equality loving husband and also the fact that he prided himself in her success made me think her life's philosophy probably was"I am Ok but everyone else is too inferior to meet my standards of excellence"
(my diagnosis: a superiority complex on the verge of leading to narcissim or self obsession)

Anybody:She was a friend who would always complete people's unfinished homework and would take care of volunteering for activities that the teachers really had to work hard to find participant.Infact there was a joke in class that probably she is compulsive in the sense that she is conditioned to life up her arm for everything that the teacher talks in class.Specially the moment the teacher would ask for volunteers, her hand was go up like some natural phenomenon.
Her thought worked on one premise.I am not ok but everyone else is.Everyone else she knew or even those she didn't she thought they were ideal.They were perfect and she wasn't any good at all.
(Inferiority complex was peeping out of her self depriciating talk and low self esteem too)

Everybody: Probably this friend of mine is quite hard to find.Didn't speak much but whatever she spoke was worthwhile.Whatever she spoke was useful.Whatever she shared let us know one thing for sure she was talented and successful but at the same time modest to the core.Pure heart and pure conscience.
A thinking pattern evident in her was" I am ok and everyone around me is also ok"
(Shocked I couldn't find any psychological disorder that she could be categorised for)

In short what I'd like to say is this is the kind of attitude that we are all trying to achieve.A cognition sound enough to stand all problems of life.
Also another important thing that came to the forefront was that this friend of mine was so peaceful with herself.No showoffs , no put up behavior and no masks at all.She didn't need them because she was so confident of herself and peaceful with herself.

De ja vu!

It's all happening again.
Again I am becoming the good old friend i was.
Again I am supporting someone I care for.
Again I don't seem to have time,
Again everything seems not fine.
Again the grass is withering away with the chills
Again the raindrops are causing huge spills.
Again the winter is around the corner,
Again my goals just seems so much further,
Again I am being dominated by someone else's problems,
Again I am heeding to other peoples' sadness.
Again I am doing what I am good at.
Again I am giving advice I am unable to adapt.
Again the rainbow is going to peep,
Again happiness promises to sweep,
Again I dream of beautiful smiles,
Again I wait for the good times.
Again I reiterate I won't give in to
Again I say for sure this time it's Deja vu!!!!!