Seeking You!

Found him, found him finally,
made me think, ponder ,wonder caused a big blunder
but endless sleepless nights have ended now.
Found him, found him truly forever now!

Thought the way life was, seemed so unstable
the way things looked so unreal,
and then again no one can assure me except myself,
things will alter , new changes they'd bring in.
Found him, found him truly forever now?

Learned a lot by listening to others, questions querries and abstract answers
Turned to him and looked within for strength,
turn the force, go against the tide,
He assured by me he would always abide.
Found him now, found him truly forever NOW!!!!!!!

Loved him effortlessly, brought to my face a smile,
made me forget all worries, left me dreaming of a good future,
Liked my craziness , eloped with my fascinations
intricate he thinks is my exhuberance, demands no justifications.
Found him now, found him truly forever now,

This newly found someone , my sweetheart, my loved one.
This new peace of mind and this new solace
is none other than a sweet surrender
a long term CHANGE !!!!!!!!

virtual trust

On a bright sunny day, I happen to have an intriguing conversation with a person far away, not even visible to me. I have never met this person before, just a friend’s friend. And this friend I haven’t met in a long time either. It’s been a long time and people change but some do not and I always place my bets on most who do not change. Or rather I like to believe that they will not change for I adore them, admire them sometimes even foolishly revere them.
Internet and computers sure have made life easier. We can bond across the seas and cross the barriers of distance in no time. However like every rose has a thorn, this fast paced means of communication certainly messes up life and faith in humans quite often.
One thought that came to my mind as I talked to this indirect friend, most certainly was brought up in the conversation, What if? What if the person across seven seas is lying? What if he or she says they are XYZ and they are not? What if they say they are born with a silver spoon and they are not?
Have you ever imagined, you fall head over heels in love with someone you haven’t seen and then are ready to give up all to meet the person, spend a lifetime with the person and no sooner have you jumped the bandwagon, does this wonderful soul reveal secrets that were never meant to be told. The person was cheating on you. The person was breaking your trust each time you thought they were oh so loyal!!!!!!!!!!!
Or think of this scene, when a person is talking to you, assuring you the sky and then one day when things go wrong by the score, as they sometimes do, the person never even checks on you. You notice inconsistency but what can you do? You are bound by the anonymity, the incapability to control circumstances.
So many more things happen and I really wonder if we should trust the person on the other side who is on the other end of an Online Chat conversation.
But then again if you don’t trust you might not meet those few gems out there. All I think we can do is take everything with a pinch of salt and life won’t be so complicated. And what the hell, even if it is complicated? It is much more fun that way. Isn’t it?

DO YOU FEEL LIKE THIS?

IF YOU SAY 'YES, EXACTLY LIKE HOW I FEEL'; THEN................
YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR EXPECTATIONS/ BELIEFS...........THESE ARE IRRATIONAL BELIEFS.IF YOU AGREE YOU FEEL IN A PARTICULAR MENTIONED WAY THEN DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU GET DISAPPOINTED IF THEY DO NOT HAPPEN!!!!!!

1. It is absolutely necessary for me to be loved and approved of by nearly everybody
2. I must be thoroughly competent & adequate in all respects or I am worthless
3. Certain people are bad and wicked and must be punished and blamed
4. If things are not the way I like them, then it is a terrible catastrophe
5. Unhappiness is caused by external events over which I have no control.
6. Some things are terribly dangerous and life threatening, so I must keep thinking about them most of the time
7. It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities than to face them
8. I am not able to do things myself; I must find somebody stronger on whom I can rely
9. I should be very upset over other people’s problems and disturbances
10. What happened to me in the past determines what I do and think now, and because some event was traumatic in the past, it will be traumatic now
11. There is always and right and precise solution to human problems, and if that is not found, I must be very upset

SINCERE SUGGESTION .........BE REALISTIC........RECONSTRUCT FALSE OR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS AND LIFE WILL SMILE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freude

'Freude' is not rare to find when you look within yourself.
It is in every breath you take, in every beat you make.
I was searching so long for something outside of me.Little did I notice that it was right within me.I decided to pause to think how to bring it out. I thought I'd fail but don't care now since anyways cannot take time out.
Solutions ask not what we need.
Solutions tell us what we need!

There was a time I thought everything comes for free, you will get it if it's in your destiny.
And then now I think again.....Is that true? If so then no pain or cry should ensue.
But as we see the reality is else.....I need to make the most of myself.
I need to take control and decide where to go,
Destiny is a wild fire , it goes where the winds flow.

I will make it in life. I will be successful.
I will win it all, I will be so cool
Now this is not an illusion , nor a bragging point.
I demand some consideration for I am one of a kind!

Dream on.....

Dreams are unpredictable
Dreams are subtle
Dreams are a giant wonder
Dreams are never in deep slumber
Dreaming of you, of him and of her
dreaming in void....never heard to occur

Dreams lead to moods,
moods to desires
desires lead to wants
wants specified create tension
tension leads to oblivion
oblivion of all sorts
Oblivion to disagree to say no to division of parts
Parts disintegrated don't tell a story,
parts disjuncted lead to a state so gory........
Dreams are to blame and desires not
if you have no dreams can peace be sought?

And then again dreams are not always wild,
they can be sweet
wishing always something great and grand not simple
goodness and grandeur is lunged for by people
Dreams of gold houses, showers of love and gardens of happiness,
comfortable cars, money machines unlimited.
lovely friends and very few foes.
Dreams keep you going , who says dreams make you fall over your toes

But be careful what you dream for they say when you really want something it does come true,
the whole universe conspires to bring it to you
however how do you know to dream right when you don't know what is in store for you,
a dream , a nightmare or a combo of the two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Courage

Courage is to stand up in a crowd and disagree,

Courage is to learn to ditinguish between every degree

Courage is to face death with a smile

Courage is to withstand the pain of a loved one's death.... all through the while

Courage is to see pain and tell yourself you don't feel anything,

Courage is to face a storm and not break anything.

Courage is to understand the nuances and yet agree there exist none,

Courage is to abandon the easy way out and treat complexity as fun.

Courage is to learn to give and not expect anything back

Courage is latent, hidden , it's not showcased in a pack

Courage outdoes fear, Courage makes you a seer,

Courage demands you dry the tear and courage means; in sadness you cheer.

Courage is faith, Courage is integrity,

Courage is oneness even in 'loneliness - infinity'!

Courageous is a child who can stand up and say 'No' to a stranger offering candy,

Courageous is the soul that can decide for oneself,

Courageous is an octogenerian who refuses to be treated though death is certain otherwise.

Courage comes unknowingly if only you let yourself free from fear of the unknown, self doubt and despise!

Solace

I am so tired of even opening an eyelid now.Everytime I open my eyes, it's a new day with new miseries waiting to pop out of the blue and come and haunt me like that wretched nightmare which I most want to avoid.
Thoughts, thousands of thoughts, pounding, shouting, screaming, a cause of pandemonium.Grey cells wondering, confused.Obligated nerve impulses shoot.
Blood just drives to the nerve endings.What is the purpose, some more food for thought the environment demands.
Thirty times a day I look at the watch.Not to see if time has elapsed but hoping that it passes by fast!
Frustrated i stomp out of a room, irritated with even my own existance.Aura of sadness creeps mysterously , treachously close from within.
There are loads of reasons why and what became.But now there is only one insane answer in this mind.Stop, don't think.Just stop that thought....Now...Right now ...stop that thought NOW. For none have seen tomorrow and tomorrow may be too late to stop!
I want to break free, I want to dissolve,colors of the sun are a reason to live by, stars promise peace but they lay too high.
All I need is a water and shadow of a tree.I'd laze around, but goodness would the thought stop and leave me peaceful and sound?

Country roads take me home..........

Finally the day arrived, I rented a car all on my own (courtesy a courageous friend who accompanied me on the drive), and yes drove on the Interstate.
It was a Nissan Altima, silver in color and smooth as butter.
First few things that went wrong included not adjusting the mirror,not checking the headlights and yeah most importantly, the gears shift- stick was a different make, a different design.
Anyways after much adieu and a few important rules or rather words of wisdom from that friend of mine, I took off from the parking lot of the airport and went to explore the roads of the city.
It was a wonderful feeling to be behind the steering wheel, to be in the control position of the car , rather than being a backseat observer.
Loved the speed factor. The car has good pick up and that i could make out even with the slightest pressure on the accelerator.
Given that I drove a little in India, i really did miss the clutch and stick shift part of driving, however driving was much more relaxed here..........in the U.S
I also made a trip to Peoria and back.Head was throbbing but forced myself to drive for I wouldn't get such a chance again.Did make a couple of mistakes and I think it is more of an ego issue to be told when you make a mistake that you are not supposed to.However to err is human and failure is the stepping stone to success.
Made a futile attempt to parallel park but consoled myself saying the space wasn't big enough to park the car.Indeed it was very little space!!!!!!!!!
Ended a day by driving to a gas station, filling gas and returning the car to the rental company.
Oh wow, what a feeling.All this to get a driving license and to drive away, far far away.One dream, one wish........to make a road trip before i return home.Let's see if I accomplish this one.

Ummm....

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously!
~ Noam Chomsky.

The sentence says all i want to convey.Perfect Syntax doesn't always complete communication effectively.
Is it always so useful to be politically correct? Is it useful at all for that matter?
It is at times good to say things others would not like to hear if they are necessary.It is hard though!

************ Thought of the day!************

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
~ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross ~

Up and Above!

A warm sunny day filled with clouds,
teasing and chiding ,planning hideouts,
the spells of rain shower,
dry heated dust wants to savor
the sweetness of breath and
the warmth of love
the trouble with desire is like untamed fire,
uncouth, unaware, unmeshed......
pure and raw ; it hurts me who is ill fated,
I want to stop that feeling,
don't want or long or pine;
love need not be reciprocated because
don't most of us think it is divine?

I've lost something!

Lost something a little while ago,

have no idea where to find it,

have no idea why do i need to,

have no idea where to go,

have no idea when will i get it back,

have no idea what will pacify my soul,

have no idea how things will change,

have no idea who will help out,

have no idea, have no idea at all.

Buckle up Dorothy!For Kansas is going Bye Bye........

A Break and that too a long deserved one or for someone like me who doesn't get too many of those, a most wanted break we can say.Last week happened to get about three days off.No work , no studies or rather I chose not to part- take in any of those activities, essentially a part of my identity right now.
All this rambling is just an introduction to what? well a quick 'JAUNT' as a friend names it...To Kansas ....Beautiful, serene Kansas.
Yes this was indeed the same place where they had a tornado about three days before I landed there.Severe weather expected and yeah two friends who were so busy on the day I arrived.
But they made time for me.Made good food for me.Took care that I enjoyed every moment I was there.Introduced me to their friends and in short enjoyed the break to the hilt.
Good food included a stint to a restaurant called ZEN ZERO in downtown Lawrence.Ever end up in that town.....trust me ...this place is a must visit.Affordable and delicious food.Pad Thai was awesome and what was even more interesting is all of us ate with chopsticks quite successfully and patiently.
Besides all the fun evenings and the pooling night...........the last day in Kansas City downtown stole all laurels for this trip.Built on the lines of a Spanish province Seville..........this small area of Kansas City called Plaza was charming.Colors merged with the serene landscape and beautiful statues complimented the spanish villa style buildings.
The Barnes and Noble here is wonderful.If there was one thing I didn't like about this trip was saying Goodbyes to all and especially to my dear friends.....But I guess we have to go away so we can meet again......anew , enthused and yes ever loving ...............

Will miss you a lot......

Sleep deprived & Indian food deprived succumbs to Blogging

Almost a week I had been dreaming to get a regular 8 hour beauty sleep this week. My usual quota of sleep now is somewhere between 4 to 5 hours a day. Absolutely ridiculous for I know this lack of sleep doesn’t let me function to my full potential. Nevertheless I do not mind it because I hardly have an alternative.
Finally after a hard duty night and room checks (about 200) and another grueling 4 hours working at the front desk, I finally was free to leave for the night.
Yup! It’s that unexpected freedom that sometimes appalls us more than the feeling of being tied to something.I didn’t know what to do first.
Just took a quick shower, changed, and got all dressed to go bowling with friends. Did that. Lost both the games. I hate losing a game. I don’t know why!!!!!! But yeah it was fun.
Specially one of my friend’s was exasperated with her futile attempts to master the art of successful bowling……Which can be defined as where the ball hits at least one of the ten pins. She was eventually crowned the Gutter Queen.‘The Itchy from Trichy’ was another of my friends who gave us several techniques of how to play well…..inspite of not being able to play to his fullest potential (or so he claimed)
My two other friends just commented on every single thing that they could think of and scrapped my plan of going to the Indian restaurant like nobody’s business but who cares about food when one is having sooooo much fun?????
I talked to a few friends home…..Back in India two of my school buddies are tying the knot pretty soon! It was so exciting to talk to them, find out how they met their respective sweethearts and yes also argue about why the wedding had to take place in my absence(?????? Which anyways I don’t have much of a say in)
Then we all (the 5 bowling champs) went over to a friend’s place and watched a wonderful movie ….called ‘A FEW GOOD MEN’.
It was a good movie and Tom Cruise looked amazingly smart. Jack Nicholson was probably at one of his best performances in this one.
ENJOYED IT TO THE T!
Came home late around 3 am and whoops, lay in bed counting stars……….Yes quite literally was trying to count stars on a densely cloudy night…….The moon looked awesome though. Called home, and then called some folks over in Mumbai.
It was good to talk so freely, since I finally have a break. But guess what….the spring break hasn’t even started and I am getting even lesser sleep that before………..Had to work at 6:00 am so that means had to get ready by 5:50 am.
In short, slept an hour and a half after I finished chit chatting with my folks about this, that and the other.
Hopefully spring will bring in some good luck.
Hope to get some work done……………and loads of sleep..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..

Rendenzvous

Well what do you expect? It's women's day they said.......A poetry slam in some shack or a coffeehouse or something, Nah, I had better things to do today! I retorted...
Like think about robots and how real life thinking doesn't help to build real perceptive robots.
I was breaking my neck over some research done way back in 1987 and believe me, I loved to read this paper.It was by an Artificial Intelligence researcher from MIT , U.S.A and what do you expect when you read work by one of the prolific reserachers in robotics from one of the best institutions of the country of his time................

"Sheer exhuberance of his own bombasity???????"No , not at all.Infact the paper was a modest attempt to put things into the right perspective.
As I got done with the paper and was about to leave I saw an old friend of mine.I hope she didn't think I pounced on her the minute I saw her............But seriously I was so so so so happy to see her.Not that we are amazingly close friends, but nevertheless I don't know why I think she happens to be just one of those few people I can connect with.I can talk to, even without talking tons of words. I was delighted atleast we could exchange a few sentences before she was on a way out to some show, she was going to attend.But yeah that was quite an experience and I think that really put me in a good mood.
I came home and dealt with a horrible work issue, with dirty undone laundry, dishes and a lot of homework but deep down in my heart I was contended.Why? I still don't know. But I was experiencing a little happiness I guess.Haven't been used to that happening lately but yeah life doesn't fail to surprise me every now and then

I think there are people who make you go out of your way to avoid even a glance and then there are those OTHERS who inspire you.............
Inspire not in the sense to be like them, but just give you enough inspiration to have the courage to be YOURSELF..........
To celebrate your own persona and be the queen / king of your own personal bubble.To such friends
I dedicate this blog and to my dear friend whom I met today.......
Kudos to you! Don't know what's it about your personality that I admire so much but just think that

To be you is to revere independence, to celebrate thought and to emulate enthusiasm!

THANK YOU for being YOU!

TALK TO ME.............

Heart : "So what you upto today you miniscule organ , one whole bundle of funny neurons, entangled nerves and so many electric potentials going up and down all day?"
Brain : "Will be just chilling in the confusion today."How about you? Are you busy today? Feeling anything at all?"
Heart: "Yeah a few wants have been on my mind recently (psk psk.....giggling brain at this point)
Brain : "YOU ? have a mind too?" "Now when did that happpen?"
Heart: "Is somebody feeling threatened now?" I mean I have decided to catch up on some skill sets that I was a stranger too.
Brain : "Now are you going to claim that you can do a better job of thinking than me?"
Heart : "Now when did I claim that.Wow you can surely read between words!"
Brain: "So what is the whole confusion about?" Have you consulted your action department at all?" "Is there nothing they can do for you to relax a bit?"
Heart : " Oh I've tried it all.Now I have just decided to play low, and do what feels right."
Brain : "Hey let me know if you need anything. I will be there for you!"
Heart: " Yeah right!!!!!!! After all the overtime work that you have indulged in (thinking, imagining, contemplating etc etc) You think I am going to call you?" Yeah no problem...I will call you if I need you. Thank you.
Brain : "Ah well it was my responsibility to ask, but yeah once again I say........Don't think too much....Your job is just to feel, not think......"
Heart : "Well you are right and I shall feel too......it's just that since I need to feel right, I gotta think right too.."
Brain : "Hope you feel better soon"
Heart : "Hope you stop thinking too much..................For then I shall definitely feel better soon!"
Brain : "Ya alrite, truce.......I won't think now on.I will just not think!"
Heart : "Hell you won't, why do you always have to go to the other end of the spectrum, can't you just be neutral?"
Brain:"yeah like think and not think? IS that being neutral in your terms? Ha hah ha ha I'll try that.Sure"
Heart : "Well you don't need to mock at me.All I want for God sake is a little peace of mind"
Brain : "ha Ha ha ha ha haha haha haha So now here we go again....Peace of MIND!!! the mind, one mind , your mind????? Ha ha ha ha ha. We'll see how that happens....Good Luck!"
Heart: "Yeah thank you very much! I think I will get my peace of mind...............Whether you support me or not" Good bye!
Brain :"Bye Bye!" Take care darling confused organ with a bundle of veins and artiries pumping the hell out've you.!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One of those days....

Yesterday was one of those days when nothing appeals to the human mind.The brain has no qualms about wasting every minute on hand and eventually getting to a point where nothing and noone means anything worthwhile.
It was a totally unfruitful day.If there exists a word like unfruitful.
Talking on the phone, meeting friends, drinking coffee several times (justifying to myself that i needed a break) and yes then meeting friends again, (taking a break to read a couple of articles only) and then to highlight it all a stint to the Mall.


Now I wonder sometimes my life is an open book and everyone can comment on what I do, but when I say this ever so proudly why does it hurt to hear anything about my actions.
I waste time.I fritter at any given opportunity.
I take advice from everyone for I crib to no extent.Am I really in need of a purpose in life?Am i treading on a totally wrong sojourn? Need I assess my values?Does the future hold anything substantial for me.
Now the time is that I just forget answering all these questions and absolutely focus on what needs to be done right now, today.But then I wonder when would I get to answering all these questions?Undoubtedly I have been avoiding them.And I , who has average intelligence, decent resources and sound backing from my social realm.............how can I not be willing to push myself and achieve something.
The only good thing that happened yesterday though was a meeting with a German Professor.And I think it really made me so happy to get an opportunity to talk a few sentences in german with the lady.I will work on my next goal of doing some research study with her.Hope it all works out in the end.
A quote I had read recently said
"IT'S ALL OK IN THE END AND IF IT'S NOT OK IT'S NOT THE END!!!!"

I hope this is true in all it's eternity.
To my new found motivation and to a spirit called LIFE........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phenomenal Woman

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them They think I'm telling lies.
I say It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips The stride of my steps The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

I walk into a room Just as cool as you please
And to a man The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me A hive of honey bees.
I say It's the fire in my eyes And the flash of my teeth The swing of my waist And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

Men themselves have wondered What they see in me They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see.
I say It's in the arch of my back The sun of my smile The ride of my breasts The grace of my style.
I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud When you see me passing It ought to make you proud.
I say It's in the click of my heels The bend of my hair The palm of my hand The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally Phenomenal woman That's me.

Maya Angelou

Oh I so love this poem.......I guess many of you out there would love it too.........just phenomenal , isn't it?

Of Wilderness and More

This was an old composition for someone...........Yet my original work so I thought let me put it out there.................

I think of the wilderness and the paths that converge there.

Not one is ever treaded or bare.

What i think then is let me go on one of 'em I fail to see what or where it leads to, but even then i go on hoping i will meet a traveller or two.

I don't assume happiness and of course I am scared.

But when i end up alone at the destination I have a traveller waiting there.

I realize the path i treaded on wasn't the wrong one.

I was all alone but the journey wasn't invain

all because I had someone waiting at the end.

I never knew about it so perhaps it was nice.

Had I known i would have probably reached earlier too.

What i want to tell u is your path is barren and you are travelling alone too

but speeden up soon for i am waiting for you !!!!!!!!!!

WORDS....EVERLASTING WORDS....

Hundreds of people have asked me "what is psycholinguistics?" i have explained it a hundred times too but this friday I actually got an opportunity to delve in the linguistics side of it.Wow, what a seminar.
The english department at my university coordinates a seminar series every spring.So this year their first speaker of the series was a Polish Professor, Dr. E.Tabakowska from Krakoff, Poland.
A very learned lady with an excellent sense of humor.
I thought let me share some of the highlights of this talk with other language enthusiasts.So essentially we come to a question ' Why do we need language?'
Answer isn't complicated at all.
Language is a medium to express.However how the iconicity is interpreted universally alike is a mysteriously interesting proposition of study.
Dr. Tabakowaska began with a simple sentence .............'The language I use is because I see what I see and I want you to see what I see.'
Well we all agreed to that. We do communicate because we want the other person to know our perspective but then the next statement she said,raised a few sighs and gasps.............' We see icons of a language, could be pictures, symbols or letters (also symbols in a way), these are arbitrary but they each have an assisgned motivational value to them.And this motivation helps us communicate and interpret.Often when the signs are assigned the same motivation in a culture, they convey the same meaning.However there are symbols that are universal and grammar that is universal and we often make sense of the world from the world itself.'
Now this was a little heavy to take it at face value but she made it a point to give us apt examples to explain what she meant by iconicity and language perception and comprehension.
To quote a few would be as follows.

" People took pride in the peruque(instead of using a word like wig and the puffed petticoat, in the landscaped park , in the painted porcelain and the powdered pudendum (ibid, 595)
Now this statement not just describes the people of that historical period.......just the sheer use of words conveys their proud behavior, their uptightness and so many other things that the word order could have not if it were differently put.

Another one was about how a statement can be made into a command or it can be impinged on the memory sheet forever by minimum usage of words and also it can be a much more sharp / decisive command if the words are equal length.Like Caeser's description 'Veni, Vedi, Vici.
Three words, crisp and starting with V which somehow reminds people of distinctiveness.

Also another interesting thing was...........Ever thought about it...whenever we give instructions/ descriptions to people about where things are located/ kept , we give them in such a way that if the listener were to look for them they would just follow the sequence of the sentence and then get to the destination concerened.Although grammatically placing one clause before the other wouldn't be wrong we never do so.An instance would be as follows.
The book is upstairs, on your right, in the top shelf of the cupboard, right across from the blue folder.Now the right across from the blue folder could have been before we described that the book was in the top shelf, but we do not do so.
Now is it that cognitive linguistics are trying to study this phenomenon.However what remains to be found is whether it will make a huge difference in perception if this order were changed.I think it would certainly affect their cognitive maps.

I would leave you with an age old Chomskian argument "Words do not make sense without meaning even though they follow the right syntax, for e.g the following sentence is grammatically correct but semantically it doesn't make any sense at all.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously!!!!!!!!!!!!
So well think about why you speak the next time you do and wonder whether the motivation behind your language is the same as another person's......................................................